Finally the reason for Delhi's woeful traffic

This is a DOs & DON'Ts checklist that gets handed out to every person in Delhi when he/she is awarded a license


The objective is to cause pain to every other driver on the road. If you haven't caused pain you haven't done your civic duty as a license holder. Follow these few simple rules to cause maximum pain:


1. If you're driving slowly drive on the right. Then no-one will be able to legally overtake you
2. If you're driving slowly and see someone else doing the same, don't be on the same lane as him/her. Then you'll make overtaking for faster vehicles more difficult
3. Do not follow lanes. That just doesn't make any sense. Eg: You want to turn right at the intersection? Stay on the left and change lanes in the last minute.
4. Don't check the rear-view mirror before overtaking vehicles. In fact fold in you rear-view mirror so that you just can't use it
5. Do not use the dipper at night. Why reduce the noise on the road, eh?
6. Always stay on high beam. Why waste functionalities in your vehicle?
7. Don't use indicators. Even better, if you want to go right, use the indicator for the left and vice versa. What fun no?
8. Every now and then speak on your cell phone. There's no need to pull over, that's just stupid. Whatever happened to multitasking?

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The NON-travellers guide to not travelling

Resist the urge to look cool. You don't like to travel. Accept it. Acceptance is the key to living a peaceful life

Remember that travel, like anything else in this world is all about probability. When your traveller friend talks about this great trip he was on he's not telling you about 3 other absolutely fuck all trips he was also very much on. And this ain't poker. Beginners luck ain't applicable

Be strong. If you don't like travelling you are in all probability a lazy person and have oodles of experience in lying and making seemingly true excuses. Use your god given talent. Divide and conquer. Convince the others (separately). Use the proverbial carrot (Beer, Harry Potter 7 etc.) to convert the others

So you've been sucked into travelling. Well, lets face it, you're screwed - walking long distances, uncomfortable bus / car journeys, heat / cold, dirt and grime. But there is one thing you can do, make it worse for others. Don the famous "I'm hating it here / I want to shit" FACE (Except of course when posing for snaps). Make others feel guilty for dragging you to the shithole you've been dragged to

Take a room with cable, preferably DTH and a view. Locate a beer shop close by. Your holiday has just been made.

If you've been sucked in you need to suck in another one from our side. You need a non-traveller to watch your back. If left to the travellers they'll make you walk every inch of the city! What blasphemy! Your only chance of avoiding that is to find a partner to laze with in the room

Use the famous FACE with vigour when the time comes to shell out money. You didn't want to come after all, right?

If the destination is Goa, then don't do any of this. I will personally kick your butt